Thursday, December 4

Big Strong Hands

Many of you who used to read my blog, know my childhood was pretty pathetic. Drunk Mother.. Bad influences.. Barely escaped alive.. etc.

I also grew up without a father in my life. There was a strange and blank void where I should have been able to put a face. Most of my friends had fathers. Some of them had awesome fathers. I would jealously watch as they interacting with their dads, watching the relationships, wondering what it must be like. I had a recurring daydream about slipping my tiny hand into a strong fatherly grip, walking alongside a towering figure, knowing that if I happened to stumble, that big strong hand would instantly whisk me up, and gently set me right again. Oh how I longed for that.

As the years passed, I got older and learned to ignore those feelings. Instead I became bitter. I pictured the day when I would tell my father how much I hated him for leaving me all alone to try and survive with a drunk and broken woman that could barely manage standing straight, much less put forth any parenting skills. I pictured a verbal revenge. Scathing, hateful words that would bring him to his knees begging for my fogiveness.

And then....then I found my husband. My dear sweet DysdHubby. And we had children. I began witnessing what a true and tender father really was. Slowly the angry revengeful feelings were replaced once again with those pangs of longing and jealousy that I had felt as child. And yet I know I can't turn back time. My childhood is long over. I have since found my father, but it has been terribly bittersweet. Yes, I have a face to fill in the void. But still, I will never feel the grip of my Daddy holding my hand as I walk alongside him, feeling his loving strength as we walk. But Gosh Darnit. My children will. And somehow that gives me peace.


KC said...

It's a good thing, that.

Amanda said...

Oh, the lump.

Mama Goose said...

This is beautiful and wrenching at the same time. I know that void - even though my father was a part of my childhood, I only saw him a couple of times a year. Your children and mine are very lucky creatures to have a big hand to hold. Thanks for sharing this.

Madame Queen said...

Ahhh, the daughter and absent father relationship. I had one of those too. And I too found a great husband who is a great dad. Aren't we lucky, after all?

alison said...

I'm struggling with this right now since my girls' dad is pretty much absent from their lives. I'm hoping that I can give them the best upbringing possible and that in the future they find caring husbands to be good fathers to their children.

Mother of Chaos said...

How can something so beautiful make me cry with sadness?

I'm so sorry you didn't have that hand. And I'm so glad your children do.