Thursday, January 22

Random Yakity Smakity

Green tea flavor Crystal Light is the EXACT color of pee. I mean. exactly. like pee. yuk. I can't drink it without adding food coloring to it.

Jack Nicholson is right. NEVER trust a fart. The BoyKing learned that one the hard way today, in his preschool gym time. In his words: "mom! I was standing there having a fart, and all da sudden poop shooted out!!" Needless to say, he's South of the Border.

GirlyDiva is having a shoe crisis. We went to Ross, and she found the shoes of her dreams. White Canvas Hightops. Quite literally, she kissed them and talked to them, all the way home. Statements ranged from "ohmagosh! These are like, the TIGHTEST shoes evuur!!" to "Mom, can you believe I found these rockin' shoes at Ross?!" Fast forward 24 hours: Front door slams, signaling the arrival of afterschool tweens. Loud shrieks and knashing of teeth follow. "Oh NO!! OHMUGOSH MOM! MOM! Come here quick! I got MUD all over my shoes!!"
You've heard of Georgia red mud right? Well, We invented it here, and sent it to them. It's the kiss of death. Worse than blood and red magic marker..*combined*. I worked on them for hours. To try and at least remove it partially. No. Deal. She is going to be heartbroken. Sigh.

I kicked DysdHubby out last night. We had an arguement in front of the kids which went like this:

dysdhubby: "BARK YELL BARK ROAR SCREAM YELL GROWL GRUMBLE"

dysdhousewife: "but wait..."

dysdhubby: "YELL SCREAM ROAR ROAR GROWL EXPLETIVE BARK BARK!"

dysdhousewife: "I know, but.."

dysdhubby: "BARK YELL BARK ROAR ANGRYSCREAM YELL GROWL BARK!"

dysdhousewife: "Would you SHUTTUP! Okay fine. I'm done trying to talk to you! You're being an ass and you're out of control in front of the kids!!

dysdhubby: *front door slam* *car door slam*. Speed limit exceeded.

(children weeping, watching tail lights through the window blinds)

dysdhousewife: *calls dysdhubbys' cell* "Don't bother coming home!" click.

He came back three hours later, mumbling something about having nowhere to go. He must have known I was REALLY mad, because he asked me where he should sleep. We've barely spoken. It's not pretty. Limbo- I hate it.

Oddly enough, I haven't fallen off the wagon since the dough debacle. I've eaten more fish in the last two weeks than oh.. the last 6 YEARS. Lord Help Me. DANG do I need some chocolate.


**UPDATE. Disregard this last statement. I just ate a friggin' blueberry poptart. frack. :::hangs head:::

12 comments:

The Incredible M. said...

Try Scotchguard. I use it on all of my fabric shoes immediately after I bring them home. It isn't perfect, but it sure does help.

Everything else here is beyond my limited wisdom, but I wish you the best.

Mama Goose said...

Never trust a fart. Neither the one coming out your ass or the one you're married to? Sorry. I hope you guys get to mending soon. That's so much more fun than the fighting.

Deece said...

Don't drink the pee!

Sorry about you and hubby.

But good for you with that whole diet thing!

natasha the exile on Mom Street said...

If you can stay on track through that kind of drama then I have NO DOUBT that you'll make it all the way.

I'm thinking about you, and hoping that things resolve to your satisfaction soon.

hayseed said...

lady, you're funny...go make up with your man and try oxyclean on the shoes!

Rolling Off The Edge... Together said...

Must have been in the water last night because my husband and I had it out last night and did not talk most of today. Sucks.

Shoes... they make me giddy like a teenager too :)

Nadine said...

Sorry to hear about the fight. I hope all is well now.

a li'l bit squishy said...

I vote for Oxyclean too. Though why teenage girls have to fall in love with WHITE shoes is beyond me.

My partner and I have found it difficult to figure out how to fight without destroying our little ones hearts. It is a necessary form of communication, otherwise I think one person is ALWAYS losing (just quietly). But still....

Good luck sorting it out. And damn I'm in for chocolate.

Madame Queen said...

Yeah, if you find out what gets out read Georgia mud (wherever it comes from), please share, mkay?

Also? We had one of those fights last week. It? Was not pretty. But, we're speaking again so I guess we're past it.

Sue said...

Isn't it funny how girls can love inanimate objects so much?! Hope you get the mud out. Or maybe you could die them brown? That's a "tight" color too.

And why do husbands not understand that ranting and raving and yelling in front of the kids is UNACCEPTABLE? If all you had was a blueberry poptart after than, then I think your diet is on track.

Eat lots of fish, we need the money.
(Husband a fisherman, fish = $)

Fairly Odd Mother said...

I think I would've had a fifth of scotch after a fight like that, so your poptart sounds like you have great control to me.

Gretchen said...

For the shoes, either Oxy-Clean carpet spray or Fels-Naptha soap.

GOod luck!